I'm just not sure what it is.
Friday I was sitting across from my client in my office, chatting before our session. As she was speaking, I had the strangest sensation that I was about to go out, and by that I mean go out of my body permanently. I felt like I was going to die.
I didn't feel any pain, or the onset of any fatal trigger in my organic body, I just had this amazing awareness that if I chose to, I could at that very moment step out of my physical existence and totally into spirit. It seemed like a part of my mind was also witnessing this instant of choice too, like I could see my chin fall to my chest and my eyes close, and could see my client's reaction. I stayed, obviously; maybe the choice wasn't really mine to make, but more illustrative of the power my higher mind could exercise. It was a funny feeling, not alarming exactly, but kind of awe-ful, and I felt a distinct curiosity along with quite a desire to follow through with it.
Since then I haven't really felt quite right. It's Monday morning now, and for the last three nights I have hardly slept at all. It seems I wake up every hour or even more frequently than that. Last night during one of these waking moments I felt like I could go out again, right then. Physically I feel very odd, kind of like my mind is splintered from my body. I feel in myself and like I'm observing myself at the same time. The part that is observing me has a distinct lack of emotion about these sensations and the idea of going out and while that freaks me out a little it's also rather comforting. If a wiser part of me thinks it's no big deal, who am I to argue?
My heart feels funny, as do my throat and my head, and I'm not talking about a physical funny feeling but the impression of a funny feeling. The pup I'm raising hasn't slept either. Last night he was moving around what seemed like every 30 seconds, and he's doing the same thing this morning. Something is really agitating him, but my animal communication skills have never been much good (no practice) so I can't say what's going on with him. With me though, I just feel somehow out of sync, or out of phase with the frequency of normal life now. I've got an itchy feeling to get moving already! though I have no idea what that means.
I remember a year or so after the September 11 attacks there was a blackout in the city (of New York) where I was working at the time for Hunter College. Since 2001 the College had an evacuation plan that meant if you worked in a certain area of the building you should meet at a certain corner a block or two away in the event of anything truly disruptive; it was simply a way to account for all the employees. So when the blackout came in the late afternoon and we all began to grasp the magnitude of it, the employees began to make their way from the buildings. As I walked to my designated meet-up place (the northeast corner of 69th and Park Avenue) I had my eyes on the sky like every other city resident who had seen our towers fall.
What stands out most about my state of mind on that afternoon was a kind of stunned sense of waiting. I was moving but wasn't really aware of walking; I had the sense of walking and watching myself walk at the same time, all the while waiting for what we were all sure was coming. Just a detached, unemotional brand of waiting, which is what I was feeling with my client on Friday and last night on the edge of sleep.
In my meditation this morning I felt the urge to write, so this is what came out when I picked up a pen:
"Either way I go, there will you go too.
The pope, the pope whose ear has turned to the World
closes shut like a clam shell, the pearl still inside.
In Span a ring is given and a proposal made
and a famous Scout has a cancer.
Cannons shout a plane from the sky and Taps is played
for a well-know black man."
What? My thoughts exactly. Who am I channeling now, Nostradamus? But wait, there's more. This week I've written to expect:
- Fire on an oil rig in the Gulf
- A solar flare or super nova event
- The passing of a Latin American leader
Maybe I'm channeling predictions now, like the great Jeanne Dixon. God forbid I get anything about an American leader -- I'll likely be accused of meddling in a terrorist plot; I'd be accused of provoking that bland waiting which would be just too ironic.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Spirit Communication Highlight
Because Blogger won't let me upload an MP3, I took my audio file and dropped it behind one of the backgrounds available in iMovie so I could create a video.
This is 5:55 of a spirit message that came through for a caller on my radio show, which is usually psychic impressions only. I thought I'd now edit the most interesting or unique mediumship events into a "highlight reel" to play on my site, my Facebook page, and here on my blog.
Look for more of these in the future.
This is 5:55 of a spirit message that came through for a caller on my radio show, which is usually psychic impressions only. I thought I'd now edit the most interesting or unique mediumship events into a "highlight reel" to play on my site, my Facebook page, and here on my blog.
Look for more of these in the future.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Gentleman
I'm still continuing with my kundalini yoga practice, though I'm doing it at home because there aren't classes nearby. It's not quite as amazing as the first one, which could be because I'm alone, I'm using a DVD and I'm doing the same thing pretty frequently. Some interesting things have happened in the meditations that follow however.
People often ask me at my Message Circles what the spirit people DO out there, so I decided as part of my Circles and during my meditations that I'd ask. Usually in Message Circles the spirit person comes through and identifies him or herself through characteristics, illnesses, gifts, or sometimes a name. They also will offer evidence of their presence in the physical guest's life by commenting on a recent doctor visit, a new paint color for the baby's room, or what everyone had for dinner last night. I ask them for these kind of details not only as evidence of their identity, but as evidence that they are still part of the family even though they are in spirit.
Last Thursday after yoga I sat for a few minutes of meditation. The Gentleman (who shows himself as a skeleton to me, and first introduced himself during a past life regression several months ago) came in after a few minutes. I asked him to show me what happens after a spirit leaves a body, and he showed me that the spirit goes into a deep sleep. When I asked him, "for how long?" he just shrugged -- it depends on the time they need to adjust. While the spirit person is in this deep sleep, he showed me something like a scan going over them. It looked like what I've seen on TV of submarine computer consoles: kind of a sweeping line that detects bumps and blips in little flares of light.
This is what the scan was showing over the sleeping spirit, and the scan went back and forth until all blips and flares of light were gone, revealing just a line moving uninterrupted back and forth over the spirit person. Is it cleaning? Resetting energy? I don't know, he wouldn't answer me. He kind of clacked his teeth together when I asked, and of course it always looks like he's smiling so I got nowhere with that.
"Then what?" I asked.
He showed me that the sleeping spirit VERY SLOWLY begins to emerge from this deep kind of sleep, and the pace at which the spirit person awakens has everything to do with their capacity to adjust to their new place and the information about the change in themselves.
He shut me down after that, and my meditation was suddenly over. You know that feeling when you're meditating (or doing anything -- jeez, even having a relationship) and suddenly you just say to yourself, "Okay, I'm done." That was that.
But that night I had my regular Thursday evening Message Circle, and about 4PM I was sitting on my couch reading when I began to yawn uncontrollably. This has been -- though not for a while -- a strong signal from a spirit person or guide that I'm wanted for some important communication. I kept yawning. Well, I WAS tired, I thought to myself. I do have this 6 month old puppy. But it persisted (classic sign of something to pay attention to), so I put down my book, got into a comfortable meditation posture and said, "Okay, what?"
Nothing happened.
I thought I saw the Gentleman for a moment but then there was nothing. Okay, so I was tired after all.
In time I went started my Circle, and in response to my intention and general unspoken question to the spirit people, I got an answer to "what do you do?" Well, sort of.
One physical guest's mother came through first, we identified her, and she continued to hang around, interjecting between every other spirit person. Finally at the end of our Circle she came through with her message, which she conveyed through the tale of St. Christopher.
For those of you who don't know, the story of St. Christopher begins when a traveler approaches a fast-moving river. He notices a small child on the bank who asks to be carried across. The traveler (Christopher) agrees and puts the child on his shoulders. As he fords the river, the baby gets heavier and heavier until Christopher is leaning heavily on his staff and staggering through the dangerous water, risking his own life. When he finally reaches the other side, he puts the child down and says, essentially, "What the f***!?"
The child says he is Jesus and he is so heavy because he carries the weight of all the sin in the world. And Christopher is canonized (Patron Saint of Travelers) and then de-canonized some decades later.
So Angelina the spirit mother tells this story, and remarks that she herself carried a terrible sin, or so she thought. She hid this sin and judged herself very harshly all through her life. When she finally went out, she learned that what she had carried had no weight where she was now, and that it was her OWN judgment, not God's, that made that burden so heavy. All that wasted energy! She told us to drop our hard self-judgments, to forgive ourselves.
She has taken on some sort of teaching or even preaching kind of work where she is, she told us, to get the word out to physical people to believe that God will never judge them as harshly as they judge themselves.
Later that night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night, and when I did drift into short periods of sleep I was entangled in very disturbing dreams and energies that I can't remember. At one point the Gentleman showed up, and I asked him to help me sleep. He stood behind me and put his hands on either side of my face. Then he moved to my feet, and finally put a hand on a rib on my right side, and -- finally -- sleep.
In the morning I felt like I'd gotten not only a jolt of his healing energy, but a way to lay my hands on my clients. In my meditations since then I haven't gotten more clarity, but my people are always telling me I must practice more patience.
People often ask me at my Message Circles what the spirit people DO out there, so I decided as part of my Circles and during my meditations that I'd ask. Usually in Message Circles the spirit person comes through and identifies him or herself through characteristics, illnesses, gifts, or sometimes a name. They also will offer evidence of their presence in the physical guest's life by commenting on a recent doctor visit, a new paint color for the baby's room, or what everyone had for dinner last night. I ask them for these kind of details not only as evidence of their identity, but as evidence that they are still part of the family even though they are in spirit.
Last Thursday after yoga I sat for a few minutes of meditation. The Gentleman (who shows himself as a skeleton to me, and first introduced himself during a past life regression several months ago) came in after a few minutes. I asked him to show me what happens after a spirit leaves a body, and he showed me that the spirit goes into a deep sleep. When I asked him, "for how long?" he just shrugged -- it depends on the time they need to adjust. While the spirit person is in this deep sleep, he showed me something like a scan going over them. It looked like what I've seen on TV of submarine computer consoles: kind of a sweeping line that detects bumps and blips in little flares of light.
This is what the scan was showing over the sleeping spirit, and the scan went back and forth until all blips and flares of light were gone, revealing just a line moving uninterrupted back and forth over the spirit person. Is it cleaning? Resetting energy? I don't know, he wouldn't answer me. He kind of clacked his teeth together when I asked, and of course it always looks like he's smiling so I got nowhere with that.
"Then what?" I asked.
He showed me that the sleeping spirit VERY SLOWLY begins to emerge from this deep kind of sleep, and the pace at which the spirit person awakens has everything to do with their capacity to adjust to their new place and the information about the change in themselves.
He shut me down after that, and my meditation was suddenly over. You know that feeling when you're meditating (or doing anything -- jeez, even having a relationship) and suddenly you just say to yourself, "Okay, I'm done." That was that.
But that night I had my regular Thursday evening Message Circle, and about 4PM I was sitting on my couch reading when I began to yawn uncontrollably. This has been -- though not for a while -- a strong signal from a spirit person or guide that I'm wanted for some important communication. I kept yawning. Well, I WAS tired, I thought to myself. I do have this 6 month old puppy. But it persisted (classic sign of something to pay attention to), so I put down my book, got into a comfortable meditation posture and said, "Okay, what?"
Nothing happened.
I thought I saw the Gentleman for a moment but then there was nothing. Okay, so I was tired after all.
In time I went started my Circle, and in response to my intention and general unspoken question to the spirit people, I got an answer to "what do you do?" Well, sort of.
One physical guest's mother came through first, we identified her, and she continued to hang around, interjecting between every other spirit person. Finally at the end of our Circle she came through with her message, which she conveyed through the tale of St. Christopher.
For those of you who don't know, the story of St. Christopher begins when a traveler approaches a fast-moving river. He notices a small child on the bank who asks to be carried across. The traveler (Christopher) agrees and puts the child on his shoulders. As he fords the river, the baby gets heavier and heavier until Christopher is leaning heavily on his staff and staggering through the dangerous water, risking his own life. When he finally reaches the other side, he puts the child down and says, essentially, "What the f***!?"
The child says he is Jesus and he is so heavy because he carries the weight of all the sin in the world. And Christopher is canonized (Patron Saint of Travelers) and then de-canonized some decades later.
So Angelina the spirit mother tells this story, and remarks that she herself carried a terrible sin, or so she thought. She hid this sin and judged herself very harshly all through her life. When she finally went out, she learned that what she had carried had no weight where she was now, and that it was her OWN judgment, not God's, that made that burden so heavy. All that wasted energy! She told us to drop our hard self-judgments, to forgive ourselves.
She has taken on some sort of teaching or even preaching kind of work where she is, she told us, to get the word out to physical people to believe that God will never judge them as harshly as they judge themselves.
Later that night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night, and when I did drift into short periods of sleep I was entangled in very disturbing dreams and energies that I can't remember. At one point the Gentleman showed up, and I asked him to help me sleep. He stood behind me and put his hands on either side of my face. Then he moved to my feet, and finally put a hand on a rib on my right side, and -- finally -- sleep.
In the morning I felt like I'd gotten not only a jolt of his healing energy, but a way to lay my hands on my clients. In my meditations since then I haven't gotten more clarity, but my people are always telling me I must practice more patience.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Looking For A Spirit Person
Generally when I conduct Message Circles I say a short prayer, close my eyes, put out my "Open For Business" sign to the spirit people, and then wait. In a moment or two the spirit people will begin to take shape in a way that is specific enough for me start identifying their details and assigning them to whoever is sitting around me.
If I'm doing this at my home, I can tell when we're nearing the end because the feeling of energy from my porch (where I ask the spirit people to wait) begins to diminish. If I'm doing the Circle at another facility or someone's home, I just go through each spirit person until I find, when my eyes are closed and I'm listening, that no new information or details are coming to me.
At my July Message Circle at Opal Moon in Croton, NY, I had gone through this process, related all the spirit people who were there for me, and was getting ready to close the Circle. A family of three women asked if I would bring someone through for them who hadn't come in, and whom they really wanted to hear from. I don't often follow through with such a request because they usually come at the end of the Circle, and that sort of request lends itself more to a private reading. After all, no one else in the Circle got to ask for a specific message.
I hadn't really been satisfied with the spirit people I had brought through for this family though. There hadn't been any real hits, or zingers, that had the family members laughing or crying or absolutely identifying their spirit person. My feeling is if I don't give the client this level of detail, then I'm just like any other run-of-the-mill medium who could (for all I know) be making the whole thing up. Yes, I'm one of the most skeptical people out there!
So I asked for the spirit's first name, and went looking. What that means is I close my eyes (I'm pretty visual, and this helps me concentrate) and instead of waiting for something to appear on the inside of my eyelids, I kind of push out into the darkness that is there. I stretch my vision as if I'm peering towards a very far off horizon to see if I can detect any movement there or any change. I may do that looking left, center and right. I try to be patient, all while my conscious mind is taunting me: "You suck. These poor people can see right through you. They can see you don't know what you're doing. They can see you're a fraud."
Yeah, that stuff goes through my mind. I don't usually believe it, but when I have to look, summon, or fight for an impression I begin to doubt myself. Because the clock is ticking, everyone's waiting, I'm already ready to close up shop and go home.
I also tune in to my feelings. I concentrate super hard on locating or identifying any twinge or emotion that begins to even faintly crop up. My feeling is if a spirit person didn't show up at a Circle, either they have a very good reason for staying away or I am not picking up on their frequency. So in this exercise I just heighten my awareness as much as I can. It's difficult to describe, and kind of difficult to do: I can't sustain it for more than a few seconds. It's like diving into a pool to retrieve something from the bottom of the deep end; I can only dive down for a few seconds before coming back up for air. And every time I have to come back up I'm aware that people are waiting for me to deliver. It's pretty stressful, which is the perfect way NOT to feel when trying to find a spirit person.
Finally, after about three whole minutes of this kind of work (try it, it's MUCH longer than you think!) I thought I felt something. I leapt on it like a terrier and began to drag it back from the far horizon closer to my experience.
The feeling I got was a very slight feeling of being "off" or out of balance. I brought it up to the family, with my usual connection of recreational or pharmaceutical drug use. They could confirm some of the medicinal drug use. I felt I saw either a hand weight or a baby rattle, neither of which they could identify. And it went this way back and forth, a "sort-of" identifying detail, then one we couldn't place. We got a little closer to identifying him clearly when I saw him stick out his tongue at me, and it was evident he was making fun of me. The family would concur that he would do such a thing. Still, it wasn't enough for me or for them. He showed that he smoked, they agreed -- but so what, lots of people smoked. Still not enough for me.
He showed me a heartbreak connected with him, which the family validated. But then the next detail wasn't a hit. I wasn't getting enough detail, a few physical things, but finally an overall feeling from the spirit that he was losing patience with me. First he was making fun of me because I wasn't interpreting his symbols clearly enough (which the family validated, as he had a taunting kind of streak when alive), and threw up increasingly ridiculous symbols for me to try to interpret. Then he stopped, kind of with a feeling of "Enough! I'm very busy! Wrap it up!"
His mother asked, "what does he say?" and immediately the response came to me, "they don't have their hooks in me any more." Which caused quite a lot of laughter from the family, and had a two-fold meaning: he had been an alcoholic, and died from complications of that addiction after time in the hospital hooked up to things. He talked about a richness or texture in his perception now that he wasn't able to enjoy before, which seemed to describe emerging from the fog of alcoholism.
So these were pretty good hits, but I still wanted to give this family more. So I begged this impatient spirit for one more detail, one really specific message that would comfort his people. He talked about Edgar Allen Poe, and his poem about the Raven, specifically the line about knocking at the chamber door. He said this knocking, this door, would be how they would know him when he came to visit. One family member gave a happy shout: another medium had delivered the same message that inexplicable knocking would actually be this spirit announcing his presence. His mother said just days ago she'd thought she'd seen him at her door. He wanted them to know they weren't making it up, it was really him when they either heard knocking or had the visual impression of him it would be by or in a door.
Finally! The spirit person seemed to pack up his energy really quickly as though he had to rush off. I wanted to ask him where he was going and what he was doing that he had to get back to. I wanted to know why he hadn't voluntarily shown up during the Circle. But even before I got those thoughts formulated he told me, "Not now," and left.
In my practice now I plan to ask some of these questions:
"What occupies you in the spirit world?"
"Are you traveling around this globe, other worlds, dimensions?"
"What does it look like there?"
"Are you aware of past lives, or of a plan to return?"
I hadn't ever bothered with these issues before, because I wanted to get their identity out to their people more than anything. I think I felt there was always time to get to this "unimportant" stuff. And frankly, I'd read some books by other mediums who described the afterlife in ways that just didn't seem plausible, or seemed too New Age-y. Castles in the sky, great libraries filled with scrolls (who needs to read when you're a spirit?), heavenly meadows and angelic beings. It just seemed like crap. That's human stuff, isn't it?
If I'm doing this at my home, I can tell when we're nearing the end because the feeling of energy from my porch (where I ask the spirit people to wait) begins to diminish. If I'm doing the Circle at another facility or someone's home, I just go through each spirit person until I find, when my eyes are closed and I'm listening, that no new information or details are coming to me.
At my July Message Circle at Opal Moon in Croton, NY, I had gone through this process, related all the spirit people who were there for me, and was getting ready to close the Circle. A family of three women asked if I would bring someone through for them who hadn't come in, and whom they really wanted to hear from. I don't often follow through with such a request because they usually come at the end of the Circle, and that sort of request lends itself more to a private reading. After all, no one else in the Circle got to ask for a specific message.
I hadn't really been satisfied with the spirit people I had brought through for this family though. There hadn't been any real hits, or zingers, that had the family members laughing or crying or absolutely identifying their spirit person. My feeling is if I don't give the client this level of detail, then I'm just like any other run-of-the-mill medium who could (for all I know) be making the whole thing up. Yes, I'm one of the most skeptical people out there!
So I asked for the spirit's first name, and went looking. What that means is I close my eyes (I'm pretty visual, and this helps me concentrate) and instead of waiting for something to appear on the inside of my eyelids, I kind of push out into the darkness that is there. I stretch my vision as if I'm peering towards a very far off horizon to see if I can detect any movement there or any change. I may do that looking left, center and right. I try to be patient, all while my conscious mind is taunting me: "You suck. These poor people can see right through you. They can see you don't know what you're doing. They can see you're a fraud."
Yeah, that stuff goes through my mind. I don't usually believe it, but when I have to look, summon, or fight for an impression I begin to doubt myself. Because the clock is ticking, everyone's waiting, I'm already ready to close up shop and go home.
I also tune in to my feelings. I concentrate super hard on locating or identifying any twinge or emotion that begins to even faintly crop up. My feeling is if a spirit person didn't show up at a Circle, either they have a very good reason for staying away or I am not picking up on their frequency. So in this exercise I just heighten my awareness as much as I can. It's difficult to describe, and kind of difficult to do: I can't sustain it for more than a few seconds. It's like diving into a pool to retrieve something from the bottom of the deep end; I can only dive down for a few seconds before coming back up for air. And every time I have to come back up I'm aware that people are waiting for me to deliver. It's pretty stressful, which is the perfect way NOT to feel when trying to find a spirit person.
Finally, after about three whole minutes of this kind of work (try it, it's MUCH longer than you think!) I thought I felt something. I leapt on it like a terrier and began to drag it back from the far horizon closer to my experience.
The feeling I got was a very slight feeling of being "off" or out of balance. I brought it up to the family, with my usual connection of recreational or pharmaceutical drug use. They could confirm some of the medicinal drug use. I felt I saw either a hand weight or a baby rattle, neither of which they could identify. And it went this way back and forth, a "sort-of" identifying detail, then one we couldn't place. We got a little closer to identifying him clearly when I saw him stick out his tongue at me, and it was evident he was making fun of me. The family would concur that he would do such a thing. Still, it wasn't enough for me or for them. He showed that he smoked, they agreed -- but so what, lots of people smoked. Still not enough for me.
He showed me a heartbreak connected with him, which the family validated. But then the next detail wasn't a hit. I wasn't getting enough detail, a few physical things, but finally an overall feeling from the spirit that he was losing patience with me. First he was making fun of me because I wasn't interpreting his symbols clearly enough (which the family validated, as he had a taunting kind of streak when alive), and threw up increasingly ridiculous symbols for me to try to interpret. Then he stopped, kind of with a feeling of "Enough! I'm very busy! Wrap it up!"
His mother asked, "what does he say?" and immediately the response came to me, "they don't have their hooks in me any more." Which caused quite a lot of laughter from the family, and had a two-fold meaning: he had been an alcoholic, and died from complications of that addiction after time in the hospital hooked up to things. He talked about a richness or texture in his perception now that he wasn't able to enjoy before, which seemed to describe emerging from the fog of alcoholism.
So these were pretty good hits, but I still wanted to give this family more. So I begged this impatient spirit for one more detail, one really specific message that would comfort his people. He talked about Edgar Allen Poe, and his poem about the Raven, specifically the line about knocking at the chamber door. He said this knocking, this door, would be how they would know him when he came to visit. One family member gave a happy shout: another medium had delivered the same message that inexplicable knocking would actually be this spirit announcing his presence. His mother said just days ago she'd thought she'd seen him at her door. He wanted them to know they weren't making it up, it was really him when they either heard knocking or had the visual impression of him it would be by or in a door.
Finally! The spirit person seemed to pack up his energy really quickly as though he had to rush off. I wanted to ask him where he was going and what he was doing that he had to get back to. I wanted to know why he hadn't voluntarily shown up during the Circle. But even before I got those thoughts formulated he told me, "Not now," and left.
In my practice now I plan to ask some of these questions:
"What occupies you in the spirit world?"
"Are you traveling around this globe, other worlds, dimensions?"
"What does it look like there?"
"Are you aware of past lives, or of a plan to return?"
I hadn't ever bothered with these issues before, because I wanted to get their identity out to their people more than anything. I think I felt there was always time to get to this "unimportant" stuff. And frankly, I'd read some books by other mediums who described the afterlife in ways that just didn't seem plausible, or seemed too New Age-y. Castles in the sky, great libraries filled with scrolls (who needs to read when you're a spirit?), heavenly meadows and angelic beings. It just seemed like crap. That's human stuff, isn't it?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Art of Letting Go
I recently heard from a client of mine who was feeling a little shaky about a big decision she had to make. That decision involved following her heart toward a gender preference that meant leaving her husband. Her concern was for her husband, whether he would find passionate love, whether he would be okay when she left, and when she should initiate this difficult discussion. She was feeling a lot of fear and doubt.
She'd emailed me these questions and so I had the opportunity to take some more time than I normally might in replying. I decided to practice channelling this information from the spirit realm rather than offer her my impressions from the psychic realm.
Psychic impressions, by the way, come from physical objects in the physical world. A voice, photograph, handwriting, a piece of jewelry -- all can convey information about the past, present and future. I heard my client asking for more though. In addition to straightforward answers to her questions, I heard her asking for reassurance, courage, and a way to employ faith. Because it isn't legal or ethical for me to offer advice that I'm being paid for (I'm not a paid licensed therapist, nor am I acting just as a friend who might offer free advice), I have to compose careful replies in accordance with my profession's limits.
I truly applaud courage in doing what the heart compels, especially when it comes to choosing personal comfort over another's, and I can appreciate the internal struggle that precedes and follows those heart-centered decisions. I sat down at my computer, closed my eyes for a moment and asked for the right words to answer her, and I began to type. I can type with my eyes closed, so this is an easy way for me to get the fleeting impressions down quickly before they dissolve, and it also allows me to get my conscious mind out of the way -- because I've been typing since the sixth grade (my mother had high hopes I'd marry a rich man, but if I didn't at least I could work as a secretary) there is something like a direct line from my brain to my hands. I can actually type something and have a different conversation at the same time; since this is kind of what's going on when I channel, typing while I "meditate" lends itself to my own peculiar brand of inspired writing. I've heard from many sources far better at channeling than I am that it's better to write long hand, but because typing is so much more immediate for me than handwriting, I'm going to stick with this format.
After I asked the question, "How can I help her? Please give me the words to say to her," I just started moving my fingers on my own. They weren't being moved for me or anything like that, I was just priming the pump, "emptying the bucket," with this movement. The first few words had some conscious interference but then I found that sentences were coming through my fingers. I was totally aware of what I was writing, but it seemed like my fingers were ahead of my brain, rather than the other way around. Rather than writing from my own thoughts, this was almost like I was taking dictation (I guess all that secretarial training worked out after all, since the man I married didn't get rich till after our divorce).
This is what I typed for my client:
"When I do Message Circles or other mediumship work, the spirit people always have such a wise perspective on our struggles in life. In general they say to us, 'Trust that nothing is really as big a deal as you think it is. Trust that everyone will be okay, including yourself. This will all make sense when you're dead.' Then they fill the room up with lots of laughter and joyful energy.
"That's what letting things unfold is all about: trust that if you feel your heart (not your head) is guiding you or directing you, and you follow it, that you will never have been wrong or be regretful. In the meantime, everyone will be okay, and in the end, everything will make beautiful, perfect sense.
"In answer to your questions, you don't have to figure out the right time frame to talk to your husband. When your mind is made up, and your heart has had enough of perserverating, you will be ready to confidently, compassionately, share the truth. It's better to let the time present itself, than to force it to happen.
"You may feel that you're in a terrible state of a heart torn in half, but it is unwise to force this final conversation. Finally, one day, you will wake up and it will be 'the day.' Despite ultimatums and deadlines, this conversation has to bloom organically from within you, with your own perfect initiative. And while the conversation may not be easy to have, it will be easy to begin. Ignore the pressure from your thoughts or from external sources, and you will be guided to the right time.
"As for whether your husband will find passionate love, of course the answer is this: you cannot let that stop you or delay you from your own passionate life. It is none of your business how he plumbs his own feelings or whether or not he seeks passion. You are not responsible for the richness or fullness of his life, and as long as you carry that responsibility, you will prevent him from finding out for himself, and at the same time dilute your own experience. It's a natural thing to do when you care about someone. But be assured that released from a half-passionate life, he will be free to seek out -- if HE chooses to -- true fulfillment.
"Talk about your fears and doubts to God, or your angels, or your beloveds in spirit. Get every terrible thought of yourself out, if you have to tear it out by the roots; how to do that? For once and for all, for the first or last time, say out loud to God every single fear you have, every decision you regret, every action you're ashamed of. Let every sorry, wretched thought come out. Only God is listening. Let Him hear your secrets, which He knows and has forgiven before you were even born. There is no part of you so black or so hidden that God's light cannot shine into.
"Leave all of that there with God or your beloveds. They want you to put those burdens down now. You are here in a physical body to live fully and with the purpose that is stamped in your heart. Be cheerful when you can. Accept that you are forgiven even in advance of the things you have not yet done."
When I was done it occurred to me that I was writing about "letting go," that vague directive all the self-help books and gurus tell us we need to do. But what the hell does it mean? How do you do it?
I think you do it this way:
1. You select a spirit/angel/God (or person) to hear you. You must be able to feel in some part of you, somewhere, that this spirit/angel/God or person will not judge you. You don't have to fully accept it at the beginning of this process, but you have to have an inkling that you can really divest yourself of every ugly self-assessment without perceiving that some of your own harsh judgment or shame will be projected back on to you from whoever is listening.
2. You take a deep breath and wade in to all the muck and mire of yourself. Confess everything. Hold back nothing. You will know you are holding back nothing when huge, tsunami-like waves of emotion overtake you; you may be in tears, sobbing, wailing, furiously gnashing your teeth or rending your garments, roaring, shaking, curling into a fetal position and sucking your thumb... it will be raw and maybe scary, but it's important to let this emotional energy OUT. These are the emotions you kept under control for so long because it felt like if you even let a crack develop in the dike holding them back, that all the pressure of their accumulated years will push forth and be totally unstoppable.
3. At some point in this you will feel finished. You may laugh at yourself; you may feel dried out, emptied out, or shed of a great weight; you may just feel exhausted from the effort. Now this is the very important part: conclude that you will leave all of that right where you left it, at the feet of your spirit/angel/God/person. This is where you must make the decision to "let go." This is what letting go means. You dropped these burdens by expressing them. Hanging on to them means you keep revisiting them or replaying those thoughts in your mind or in your present self-assessment. Letting go means not letting your thoughts return to them once they have been emptied from your psyche.
4. You must trust that, having heard the worst of you (in your perception anyway), your spirit/angel/God/person says simply, "okay, that's done." AND IT'S DONE. Your spirit/angel/God/person has declared that you are now DONE with that, so who the heck are you to disagree and keep revisiting it? Have faith by making believe if you have to.
5. If those kind of thoughts or regrets return, you say to yourself something like, "that's done," or "no more of that."
There may be varying degrees of things to let go of, anger at being laid off for instance may not be a soul-wrenching sobfest for 2 hours, but a furious raging for 30 minutes. Letting go of abuse or trauma at an early age may take hours of deliberate wailing -- or it may not. When you give yourself permission to exercise the art of letting go, you will intuitively know how long it will take and when you are done.
She'd emailed me these questions and so I had the opportunity to take some more time than I normally might in replying. I decided to practice channelling this information from the spirit realm rather than offer her my impressions from the psychic realm.
Psychic impressions, by the way, come from physical objects in the physical world. A voice, photograph, handwriting, a piece of jewelry -- all can convey information about the past, present and future. I heard my client asking for more though. In addition to straightforward answers to her questions, I heard her asking for reassurance, courage, and a way to employ faith. Because it isn't legal or ethical for me to offer advice that I'm being paid for (I'm not a paid licensed therapist, nor am I acting just as a friend who might offer free advice), I have to compose careful replies in accordance with my profession's limits.
I truly applaud courage in doing what the heart compels, especially when it comes to choosing personal comfort over another's, and I can appreciate the internal struggle that precedes and follows those heart-centered decisions. I sat down at my computer, closed my eyes for a moment and asked for the right words to answer her, and I began to type. I can type with my eyes closed, so this is an easy way for me to get the fleeting impressions down quickly before they dissolve, and it also allows me to get my conscious mind out of the way -- because I've been typing since the sixth grade (my mother had high hopes I'd marry a rich man, but if I didn't at least I could work as a secretary) there is something like a direct line from my brain to my hands. I can actually type something and have a different conversation at the same time; since this is kind of what's going on when I channel, typing while I "meditate" lends itself to my own peculiar brand of inspired writing. I've heard from many sources far better at channeling than I am that it's better to write long hand, but because typing is so much more immediate for me than handwriting, I'm going to stick with this format.
After I asked the question, "How can I help her? Please give me the words to say to her," I just started moving my fingers on my own. They weren't being moved for me or anything like that, I was just priming the pump, "emptying the bucket," with this movement. The first few words had some conscious interference but then I found that sentences were coming through my fingers. I was totally aware of what I was writing, but it seemed like my fingers were ahead of my brain, rather than the other way around. Rather than writing from my own thoughts, this was almost like I was taking dictation (I guess all that secretarial training worked out after all, since the man I married didn't get rich till after our divorce).
This is what I typed for my client:
"When I do Message Circles or other mediumship work, the spirit people always have such a wise perspective on our struggles in life. In general they say to us, 'Trust that nothing is really as big a deal as you think it is. Trust that everyone will be okay, including yourself. This will all make sense when you're dead.' Then they fill the room up with lots of laughter and joyful energy.
"That's what letting things unfold is all about: trust that if you feel your heart (not your head) is guiding you or directing you, and you follow it, that you will never have been wrong or be regretful. In the meantime, everyone will be okay, and in the end, everything will make beautiful, perfect sense.
"In answer to your questions, you don't have to figure out the right time frame to talk to your husband. When your mind is made up, and your heart has had enough of perserverating, you will be ready to confidently, compassionately, share the truth. It's better to let the time present itself, than to force it to happen.
"You may feel that you're in a terrible state of a heart torn in half, but it is unwise to force this final conversation. Finally, one day, you will wake up and it will be 'the day.' Despite ultimatums and deadlines, this conversation has to bloom organically from within you, with your own perfect initiative. And while the conversation may not be easy to have, it will be easy to begin. Ignore the pressure from your thoughts or from external sources, and you will be guided to the right time.
"As for whether your husband will find passionate love, of course the answer is this: you cannot let that stop you or delay you from your own passionate life. It is none of your business how he plumbs his own feelings or whether or not he seeks passion. You are not responsible for the richness or fullness of his life, and as long as you carry that responsibility, you will prevent him from finding out for himself, and at the same time dilute your own experience. It's a natural thing to do when you care about someone. But be assured that released from a half-passionate life, he will be free to seek out -- if HE chooses to -- true fulfillment.
"Talk about your fears and doubts to God, or your angels, or your beloveds in spirit. Get every terrible thought of yourself out, if you have to tear it out by the roots; how to do that? For once and for all, for the first or last time, say out loud to God every single fear you have, every decision you regret, every action you're ashamed of. Let every sorry, wretched thought come out. Only God is listening. Let Him hear your secrets, which He knows and has forgiven before you were even born. There is no part of you so black or so hidden that God's light cannot shine into.
"Leave all of that there with God or your beloveds. They want you to put those burdens down now. You are here in a physical body to live fully and with the purpose that is stamped in your heart. Be cheerful when you can. Accept that you are forgiven even in advance of the things you have not yet done."
When I was done it occurred to me that I was writing about "letting go," that vague directive all the self-help books and gurus tell us we need to do. But what the hell does it mean? How do you do it?
I think you do it this way:
1. You select a spirit/angel/God (or person) to hear you. You must be able to feel in some part of you, somewhere, that this spirit/angel/God or person will not judge you. You don't have to fully accept it at the beginning of this process, but you have to have an inkling that you can really divest yourself of every ugly self-assessment without perceiving that some of your own harsh judgment or shame will be projected back on to you from whoever is listening.
2. You take a deep breath and wade in to all the muck and mire of yourself. Confess everything. Hold back nothing. You will know you are holding back nothing when huge, tsunami-like waves of emotion overtake you; you may be in tears, sobbing, wailing, furiously gnashing your teeth or rending your garments, roaring, shaking, curling into a fetal position and sucking your thumb... it will be raw and maybe scary, but it's important to let this emotional energy OUT. These are the emotions you kept under control for so long because it felt like if you even let a crack develop in the dike holding them back, that all the pressure of their accumulated years will push forth and be totally unstoppable.
3. At some point in this you will feel finished. You may laugh at yourself; you may feel dried out, emptied out, or shed of a great weight; you may just feel exhausted from the effort. Now this is the very important part: conclude that you will leave all of that right where you left it, at the feet of your spirit/angel/God/person. This is where you must make the decision to "let go." This is what letting go means. You dropped these burdens by expressing them. Hanging on to them means you keep revisiting them or replaying those thoughts in your mind or in your present self-assessment. Letting go means not letting your thoughts return to them once they have been emptied from your psyche.
4. You must trust that, having heard the worst of you (in your perception anyway), your spirit/angel/God/person says simply, "okay, that's done." AND IT'S DONE. Your spirit/angel/God/person has declared that you are now DONE with that, so who the heck are you to disagree and keep revisiting it? Have faith by making believe if you have to.
5. If those kind of thoughts or regrets return, you say to yourself something like, "that's done," or "no more of that."
There may be varying degrees of things to let go of, anger at being laid off for instance may not be a soul-wrenching sobfest for 2 hours, but a furious raging for 30 minutes. Letting go of abuse or trauma at an early age may take hours of deliberate wailing -- or it may not. When you give yourself permission to exercise the art of letting go, you will intuitively know how long it will take and when you are done.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Breathing Makes a Huge Difference
That's a no-brainer, right?
The act of breathing is actually a no-thinker and an all-reptilian-brainer. In the lower brain stem (the "reptilian brain") the medulla oblongata controls our breathing among other things, and it is so inextricably tied to our survival that the urge to breathe exists independently of our will to breathe; that is, it bypasses cognitive function.
In "Deep Survival" by Laurence Gonzales, the author refers to instances where scuba divers remove their regulators while under water and drown, even though their tanks still contain air. For these divers, the feeling of being smothered (deprived of air) -- from the regulator covering the nose and mouth -- overpowers their cognitive function which tells them that that covering is actually providing air: their physical urge to breathe is stronger than the mind which is telling them they ARE breathing. So, off comes the air supply and they suck in water and drown.
Breathing = survival = breathing.
But what if you want to do more than survive, or what if you want to experience a state of mind that transcends the human or reptilian experience? Can breathing differently elevate survival to a different level?
Yesterday I took my first ever real kundalini yoga class in New York City. It was 90 minutes of breathing and chanting and holding my arms over my head in impossible positions for a really long time -- longer than I would have ever thought I was capable of. First we panted with our tongues hanging as far out of our mouths as possible. Later on we held the left nostril closed and did right-nostril breathing for what seemed like half an hour. We also did "breath of fire," which is like panting but breathing through the nose only.
Several times in between the postures and the breathing we laid down on our backs (presumably to recover). About half-way through the class during one of these respites I experienced such utter stillness in my body, my thoughts, my emotions and all my senses that I felt I could almost stop breathing entirely. I was floating in such a blissful state that I knew when we started up again I would be tapping into some other power than my own muscle or mental strength.
I've always been very athletic: a jogger, aerobics teacher (it was the 80s, give me a break), a high-altitude mountaineer, a skier and snow-boarder, swimmer, waterskier, roller-blader, hockey player, hiker -- you name, I'd jump right in. I have an intimate knowledge of my limits and possibilities, I have extraordinary physical and mental endurance accumulated over decades of physical challenges with nature, others and myself. Especially in the mountains, at times when my life was really in danger, I dug deep into my body and mind and powered through -- what a great feeling that was!
Before this class, I experienced the joy and rush that comes from mind and body connecting and powering through difficulties. In this class I experienced the otherworldly feeling of mind and body disconnecting from the idea of being a singular unit of power and connecting with everyone else in the room, and with some huge, crazy energy. I'd had moments of that before, in meditation, but because I generally meditate alone it was a much different feeling.
So while I'm lying on my back, disconnected from myself yet feeling more powerful and connected than ever before, my Council began to show up. There they were in their usual semi-circle, and I swear they were actually celebrating. One of them even came up and put a medal around my neck, which was kind of a gentle joke like, "you finally got it!"
No words passed between us in those few minutes, but I got the distinct impression that I was supposed to keep doing this kind of yoga, because breathing was going to transport me to a place where I could understand what I was supposed to do next. It was like when I was a junior in high school and I went to visit my older sister at the College of the Holy Cross: after a blissful weekend of underage drinking and meeting handsome boys at a mixer, I felt like two more years of high school was beneath me. I belonged at college! I was ready. This high school shit was for babies.
I couldn't have been more wrong, but I couldn't see that at the time. I needed two more years of maturity and learning before I could begin to understand what was expected of me socially, intellectually and spiritually at college (I went to Holy Cross too).
And that's like what happened yesterday. Before that class I thought I knew the route I needed to take to channel healing, and I thought I knew I was ready to be there. But my guides had always had something else in mind: more maturity? More training in the basics (like breathing)? So when I kind of went back to square one, I got the feedback and encouragement I was looking for.
Who needs this basic stuff like how to breathe, this "high school" shit?
Me. I need it.
The act of breathing is actually a no-thinker and an all-reptilian-brainer. In the lower brain stem (the "reptilian brain") the medulla oblongata controls our breathing among other things, and it is so inextricably tied to our survival that the urge to breathe exists independently of our will to breathe; that is, it bypasses cognitive function.
In "Deep Survival" by Laurence Gonzales, the author refers to instances where scuba divers remove their regulators while under water and drown, even though their tanks still contain air. For these divers, the feeling of being smothered (deprived of air) -- from the regulator covering the nose and mouth -- overpowers their cognitive function which tells them that that covering is actually providing air: their physical urge to breathe is stronger than the mind which is telling them they ARE breathing. So, off comes the air supply and they suck in water and drown.
Breathing = survival = breathing.
But what if you want to do more than survive, or what if you want to experience a state of mind that transcends the human or reptilian experience? Can breathing differently elevate survival to a different level?
Yesterday I took my first ever real kundalini yoga class in New York City. It was 90 minutes of breathing and chanting and holding my arms over my head in impossible positions for a really long time -- longer than I would have ever thought I was capable of. First we panted with our tongues hanging as far out of our mouths as possible. Later on we held the left nostril closed and did right-nostril breathing for what seemed like half an hour. We also did "breath of fire," which is like panting but breathing through the nose only.
Several times in between the postures and the breathing we laid down on our backs (presumably to recover). About half-way through the class during one of these respites I experienced such utter stillness in my body, my thoughts, my emotions and all my senses that I felt I could almost stop breathing entirely. I was floating in such a blissful state that I knew when we started up again I would be tapping into some other power than my own muscle or mental strength.
I've always been very athletic: a jogger, aerobics teacher (it was the 80s, give me a break), a high-altitude mountaineer, a skier and snow-boarder, swimmer, waterskier, roller-blader, hockey player, hiker -- you name, I'd jump right in. I have an intimate knowledge of my limits and possibilities, I have extraordinary physical and mental endurance accumulated over decades of physical challenges with nature, others and myself. Especially in the mountains, at times when my life was really in danger, I dug deep into my body and mind and powered through -- what a great feeling that was!
Before this class, I experienced the joy and rush that comes from mind and body connecting and powering through difficulties. In this class I experienced the otherworldly feeling of mind and body disconnecting from the idea of being a singular unit of power and connecting with everyone else in the room, and with some huge, crazy energy. I'd had moments of that before, in meditation, but because I generally meditate alone it was a much different feeling.
So while I'm lying on my back, disconnected from myself yet feeling more powerful and connected than ever before, my Council began to show up. There they were in their usual semi-circle, and I swear they were actually celebrating. One of them even came up and put a medal around my neck, which was kind of a gentle joke like, "you finally got it!"
No words passed between us in those few minutes, but I got the distinct impression that I was supposed to keep doing this kind of yoga, because breathing was going to transport me to a place where I could understand what I was supposed to do next. It was like when I was a junior in high school and I went to visit my older sister at the College of the Holy Cross: after a blissful weekend of underage drinking and meeting handsome boys at a mixer, I felt like two more years of high school was beneath me. I belonged at college! I was ready. This high school shit was for babies.
I couldn't have been more wrong, but I couldn't see that at the time. I needed two more years of maturity and learning before I could begin to understand what was expected of me socially, intellectually and spiritually at college (I went to Holy Cross too).
And that's like what happened yesterday. Before that class I thought I knew the route I needed to take to channel healing, and I thought I knew I was ready to be there. But my guides had always had something else in mind: more maturity? More training in the basics (like breathing)? So when I kind of went back to square one, I got the feedback and encouragement I was looking for.
Who needs this basic stuff like how to breathe, this "high school" shit?
Me. I need it.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Forensic Psychic Readings
I've always wanted to be able to help locate missing people or pets. Ever since I was a young teenager I've wanted to work with the police to find lost loved ones. Something about being never seen again has always caused me a lot of emotional upset, though I have had no personal experience like that.
Once when I was about 4 years old I was walking behind my parents and aunt and uncle on a dirt road in New Hampshire, right by my family's summer home. Apparently I wandered off, following a kitten. The adults were ahead of me chatting with each other, and I must have fallen behind. I have vague memories of this, and recall being in a kitchen with a lady who seemed ancient. My mother showed up screaming at me and, according to therapists I've seen over the years, it turns out this is the entire cause of my abandonment issues. I don't remember much fear at being lost, more confusion at the terror of being found; I didn't think I had abandonment issues anyway.
Not too long ago a colleague wanted to try a new past life regression method, and I volunteered. I love that stuff! I am a real believer in multiple chances at life -- it's no more a miracle to be born twice than to be born once, right?
The most emotional moment for me reliving this otherwise ordinary existence as uneducated household help in an urban estate in the South, was when the man who plowed the fields showed me a human skeleton his plow had turned up. I was horrified to see the bones and the belt buckle (which was all that was left), not because of the body itself but because somewhere, at some time, someone never came home. Someone walking or traveling just ceased to exist and died and was buried and decomposed, without his loved ones ever knowing what had happened. Even in my altered state of consciousness, wrapping my mind around this concept really freaked me out and was the most upsetting moment in the whole regression.
I know it's worse for the family left behind, who never know the circumstances or location of death -- or if death has actually occurred. I can't imagine the pain of the family of Nathalie Holloway, who five years ago disappeared in Aruba. She just disappeared. She vanished. It's probably clear she'll never come home -- but where IS she?
I don't think the spirit haunts the area or cares very much about the circumstances. I've met enough spirit people who themselves met violent ends, and they seem cool with the whole thing. They've got a completely different perspective than we do, here still in the physical.
Lost people are a horrifying fascination for me. Like watching some terrible accident, I can't look away. I can't stop myself from trying to feel the family's pain or grief. Just the other day walking in the woods I wondered out loud to a friend, "how many people do you think lie buried in the ground all over this continent, throughout time? How much of this ground is made up of bodies that just never got back home?" He gave me weird look and said I was being morbid, but honestly, that shit draws me in. And it's not just the family's pain I am drawn to, but to the last thoughts of the lost person. What are they thinking when it becomes clear that they won't be found? Sadness? Worry about family members? Or are they too busy watching their lives flash before their eyes to even consider whether their remains will be found?
So, since I was a young person (and apparently in a past life too) this topic has held a fascination for me; yet I never did anything about it. I never trained search and rescue dogs, I never offered my services to the police. Once back in the early 90s, when I was doing 3D animation for a living I looked into age progression, which uses computers and designers to anticipate how a child who went missing years ago might look in the present. I looked into it, that was all.
But yesterday an opportunity came to me during a regular psychic reading. As usual, I asked my client before our reading began what questions she would like me to look into; I got the usual -- love life, career -- and then she said, "Tonight a group of us are getting together to look for our friend Thomas, who went missing last Sunday. If you see anything about his whereabouts, please let me know."
Oh boy.
So I started the reading, figuring I'd get to Thomas later; I couldn't concentrate on this girl's love prospects to save my life, so I said, "Do you have a picture of him?" She showed me his Facebook picture and we went back to the reading.
I wanted to say so badly, "this guy is still alive." But my stupid logical mind was saying -- no way. Four days after driving drunk away from a party? No chance. But his friends and family had been searching for two days already, and no one knew where he went to when he left the party -- home to NYC or somewhere else?
So I said, "I see the Taconic Parkway. I feel like there is an animal in the road who he hit or attempted to avoid, and that he went off the road at highway speed. The car threaded through small enough trees and came to a stop well off the road, out of sight from the Parkway. The impact did not kill him. The car didn't hit a big enough tree to cause the kind of impact that would kill him. I see him lying on his side in the leaves, with either blood or vomit in his mouth. I see a registered campground nearby. And I hope you are prepared to learn that he isn't alive."
I kept repeating that the car crash didn't kill him, but my logical mind kept adding in that he wasn't alive.
About 30 minutes after my client left she called me to say Thomas had been found: off the Taconic Parkway, near a registered campsite. He was found outside his car, lying on the ground with internal injuries and a back injury -- and he was alive.
Obviously my information didn't help in locating and ultimately rescuing him, but I was pretty psyched to learn that it matched that closely. More importantly, I ignored key information my impressions were giving me about whether he was alive or not -- and that's not a mistake I'd want to make when dealing with a family. I also wonder whether what I picked up on (which was likely happening AS I was giving the reading if not just before) was a result of the rescue already being accomplished.
I won't know unless I have another opportunity, and while I'm not yet ready to offer my services I would welcome another chance to tune in, if one should come my way.
Once when I was about 4 years old I was walking behind my parents and aunt and uncle on a dirt road in New Hampshire, right by my family's summer home. Apparently I wandered off, following a kitten. The adults were ahead of me chatting with each other, and I must have fallen behind. I have vague memories of this, and recall being in a kitchen with a lady who seemed ancient. My mother showed up screaming at me and, according to therapists I've seen over the years, it turns out this is the entire cause of my abandonment issues. I don't remember much fear at being lost, more confusion at the terror of being found; I didn't think I had abandonment issues anyway.
Not too long ago a colleague wanted to try a new past life regression method, and I volunteered. I love that stuff! I am a real believer in multiple chances at life -- it's no more a miracle to be born twice than to be born once, right?
The most emotional moment for me reliving this otherwise ordinary existence as uneducated household help in an urban estate in the South, was when the man who plowed the fields showed me a human skeleton his plow had turned up. I was horrified to see the bones and the belt buckle (which was all that was left), not because of the body itself but because somewhere, at some time, someone never came home. Someone walking or traveling just ceased to exist and died and was buried and decomposed, without his loved ones ever knowing what had happened. Even in my altered state of consciousness, wrapping my mind around this concept really freaked me out and was the most upsetting moment in the whole regression.
I know it's worse for the family left behind, who never know the circumstances or location of death -- or if death has actually occurred. I can't imagine the pain of the family of Nathalie Holloway, who five years ago disappeared in Aruba. She just disappeared. She vanished. It's probably clear she'll never come home -- but where IS she?
I don't think the spirit haunts the area or cares very much about the circumstances. I've met enough spirit people who themselves met violent ends, and they seem cool with the whole thing. They've got a completely different perspective than we do, here still in the physical.
Lost people are a horrifying fascination for me. Like watching some terrible accident, I can't look away. I can't stop myself from trying to feel the family's pain or grief. Just the other day walking in the woods I wondered out loud to a friend, "how many people do you think lie buried in the ground all over this continent, throughout time? How much of this ground is made up of bodies that just never got back home?" He gave me weird look and said I was being morbid, but honestly, that shit draws me in. And it's not just the family's pain I am drawn to, but to the last thoughts of the lost person. What are they thinking when it becomes clear that they won't be found? Sadness? Worry about family members? Or are they too busy watching their lives flash before their eyes to even consider whether their remains will be found?
So, since I was a young person (and apparently in a past life too) this topic has held a fascination for me; yet I never did anything about it. I never trained search and rescue dogs, I never offered my services to the police. Once back in the early 90s, when I was doing 3D animation for a living I looked into age progression, which uses computers and designers to anticipate how a child who went missing years ago might look in the present. I looked into it, that was all.
But yesterday an opportunity came to me during a regular psychic reading. As usual, I asked my client before our reading began what questions she would like me to look into; I got the usual -- love life, career -- and then she said, "Tonight a group of us are getting together to look for our friend Thomas, who went missing last Sunday. If you see anything about his whereabouts, please let me know."
Oh boy.
So I started the reading, figuring I'd get to Thomas later; I couldn't concentrate on this girl's love prospects to save my life, so I said, "Do you have a picture of him?" She showed me his Facebook picture and we went back to the reading.
I wanted to say so badly, "this guy is still alive." But my stupid logical mind was saying -- no way. Four days after driving drunk away from a party? No chance. But his friends and family had been searching for two days already, and no one knew where he went to when he left the party -- home to NYC or somewhere else?
So I said, "I see the Taconic Parkway. I feel like there is an animal in the road who he hit or attempted to avoid, and that he went off the road at highway speed. The car threaded through small enough trees and came to a stop well off the road, out of sight from the Parkway. The impact did not kill him. The car didn't hit a big enough tree to cause the kind of impact that would kill him. I see him lying on his side in the leaves, with either blood or vomit in his mouth. I see a registered campground nearby. And I hope you are prepared to learn that he isn't alive."
I kept repeating that the car crash didn't kill him, but my logical mind kept adding in that he wasn't alive.
About 30 minutes after my client left she called me to say Thomas had been found: off the Taconic Parkway, near a registered campsite. He was found outside his car, lying on the ground with internal injuries and a back injury -- and he was alive.
Obviously my information didn't help in locating and ultimately rescuing him, but I was pretty psyched to learn that it matched that closely. More importantly, I ignored key information my impressions were giving me about whether he was alive or not -- and that's not a mistake I'd want to make when dealing with a family. I also wonder whether what I picked up on (which was likely happening AS I was giving the reading if not just before) was a result of the rescue already being accomplished.
I won't know unless I have another opportunity, and while I'm not yet ready to offer my services I would welcome another chance to tune in, if one should come my way.
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