The Christians Don't Want Me (As I Am)

I wish you could hear my deep sigh of disappointment. It keeps coming out of me over and over.

Over the past several months I've been talking here about this yearning I feel to involve God more publicly in the work I do; to serve God through healing or therapy or ministry or by whatever pathway He sees fit. To that end, I've been investigating attending a seminary or furthering my education -- and I settled (almost) on attending Alliance Graduate School of Counseling. By studying there I would receive a degree in Christian Mental Health Counseling, which would lead to licensure in NY (and 40 other states). So I could be a "therapist," I could take insurance, my shingle would select for those people who already involve God in their healing -- or are open to it -- and we'd all meet with more success.

Except my application requires a Pastoral Reference, which means I have to have been attending a Christian church for over a year, and have a relationship with my pastor who would of course know me well enough to answer the very specific questions on the form. Which I have not been doing. For about one month I have been attending a local Episcopal church on the recommendation of a client, and I've enjoyed it very much. The pastor is a woman, which is almost an automatic check in the "Pro" column, and she's well-spoken and friendly and so far her sermons have made some of the Old Testament Epiphany passages relevant -- even the one that says if a divorced woman remarries she is committing adultery. But I've only been to services three times!

I called the Admissions director at AGSC with this kind of important bit of information and while she recovered pretty quickly, the initial silence on the other end of the line was deafening. How on earth could I hope to go to a Christian graduate school if I wasn't a practicing Christian? (Another topic for another time: isn't the point of going to school to learn or begin something new? Isn't school supposed to be for those who don't know, not those who already do?)

She came up with a not-too-complicated plan: I'd meet with my new pastor, tell her of my intention to go to school in the fall and ask her if she'd be willing to complete one reference form now, and then once again in September before school began and we'd presumably have gotten to know each other better. I emailed the pastor (let's call her Mother Beth) gave her a bit of my history (including what I do for a living), told her about the Pastoral Reference form and asked if I could meet her for lunch or coffee.

We met yesterday and it was all I could do to keep from crying. Not because of her: she's a lovely, articulate, non-judgmental person. I gave her a brief outline of my spiritual history, which includes being raised in the Catholic church and practicing as a Catholic until my husband wanted a divorce and my parish priest told me I was no longer welcome in the church and wouldn't be able to receive communion (maybe now you can understand my hypersensitivity to the Old Testament divorce/adultery passage). Followed by 15 years of searching for a spiritual community that didn't require that I apply to the people in that community for the privilege of celebrating God's love with them. I think I tried it all, everything from Orthodox to New Age -- but always wanting to come home to the the Holy Trinity.

So here's the part in the story I'm telling her where I always duck, because it's here where I always get rejected:

Mother Beth: "Tell me about what you do for a living."

Me (deep breath, tiny voice, looking at the floor): "I'm a psychic medium."

...lots of discussion about how I do what I do and how it feels for me to do it (which, by the way, is WONDERFUL)...

Me: "So. Is that okay with the Episcopal church?"

Mother Beth: "No."

...lots more discussion about why it isn't, including the forces of evil spirits who can come in and snag me and I wouldn't know it and then I'd have lost my moral compass and by the way even though 40% of the Bible is prophecy and Jesus could prophecy and He told us that "everything I do, and more, you can do too," doesn't really mean that me, improbable Priscilla Keresey, is the kind of person he's talking about...

Actually she was very gentle about it, and concerned about my community of accountability -- like, WHO would watch over me or who would guide me to make sure that I am not being snagged by evil spirits and I said "That's why I want to be part of a spiritual community! Please let me in!" (Another topic for another time: I actually don't believe in evil but the Christians do and I certainly wasn't going to argue that point with a pastor, who has much more academic knowledge to back up her side of the debate).

By this time though I was so fragmented, I was replaying every rejection I ever got in my entire life -- and now rejected AGAIN by God! My heart was breaking, and I felt so sad that I could hardly speak. And I was angry too: it's not like I'm a whore or a tax collector (who even Jesus loved and had supper with).

Mother Beth assured me I was welcome at the church, and she hoped I would continue to come. I told her I would, but I didn't mean it. How can I? How can I go and listen to the word of God in a community that thinks I'm not Godly? When I left she wouldn't let me buy lunch even though that was my invitation, and I didn't even take the reference form out of my purse. She didn't mention it either, so I guess we both knew it wasn't going to work out.

Maybe if I was welcomed into a Christian community I would see my own off-track ways and repent. But I just don't think I'm off-track. But maybe that just means I've already been snagged by evil spirits and my moral compass is so out of whack I can't even see myself that I'm off-track. I actually think what I do helps people.

Maybe I'll start a church or a religion of my own. One that says, how God made you is perfect. You are all welcome. We as a church are here to support you. You don't have to apply to be loved by us and by God. You don't have to obey rules to be supported by us. Carry your own lamp and light your own way, because if you see the light in your own heart you are seeing God.

I guess I better get on the phone and call the Admissions Office to let them know I'll be staying outside for now.