On The Verge of Something

I'm just not sure what it is.

Friday I was sitting across from my client in my office, chatting before our session. As she was speaking, I had the strangest sensation that I was about to go out, and by that I mean go out of my body permanently. I felt like I was going to die.

I didn't feel any pain, or the onset of any fatal trigger in my organic body, I just had this amazing awareness that if I chose to, I could at that very moment step out of my physical existence and totally into spirit. It seemed like a part of my mind was also witnessing this instant of choice too, like I could see my chin fall to my chest and my eyes close, and could see my client's reaction. I stayed, obviously; maybe the choice wasn't really mine to make, but more illustrative of the power my higher mind could exercise. It was a funny feeling, not alarming exactly, but kind of awe-ful, and I felt a distinct curiosity along with quite a desire to follow through with it.

Since then I haven't really felt quite right. It's Monday morning now, and for the last three nights I have hardly slept at all. It seems I wake up every hour or even more frequently than that. Last night during one of these waking moments I felt like I could go out again, right then. Physically I feel very odd, kind of like my mind is splintered from my body. I feel in myself and like I'm observing myself at the same time. The part that is observing me has a distinct lack of emotion about these sensations and the idea of going out and while that freaks me out a little it's also rather comforting. If a wiser part of me thinks it's no big deal, who am I to argue?

My heart feels funny, as do my throat and my head, and I'm not talking about a physical funny feeling but the impression of a funny feeling. The pup I'm raising hasn't slept either. Last night he was moving around what seemed like every 30 seconds, and he's doing the same thing this morning. Something is really agitating him, but my animal communication skills have never been much good (no practice) so I can't say what's going on with him. With me though, I just feel somehow out of sync, or out of phase with the frequency of normal life now. I've got an itchy feeling to get moving already! though I have no idea what that means.

I remember a year or so after the September 11 attacks there was a blackout in the city (of New York) where I was working at the time for Hunter College. Since 2001 the College had an evacuation plan that meant if you worked in a certain area of the building you should meet at a certain corner a block or two away in the event of anything truly disruptive; it was simply a way to account for all the employees. So when the blackout came in the late afternoon and we all began to grasp the magnitude of it, the employees began to make their way from the buildings. As I walked to my designated meet-up place (the northeast corner of 69th and Park Avenue) I had my eyes on the sky like every other city resident who had seen our towers fall.

What stands out most about my state of mind on that afternoon was a kind of stunned sense of waiting. I was moving but wasn't really aware of walking; I had the sense of walking and watching myself walk at the same time, all the while waiting for what we were all sure was coming. Just a detached, unemotional brand of waiting, which is what I was feeling with my client on Friday and last night on the edge of sleep.

In my meditation this morning I felt the urge to write, so this is what came out when I picked up a pen:

"Either way I go, there will you go too.
The pope, the pope whose ear has turned to the World
closes shut like a clam shell, the pearl still inside.
In Span a ring is given and a proposal made
and a famous Scout has a cancer.
Cannons shout a plane from the sky and Taps is played
for a well-know black man."

What? My thoughts exactly. Who am I channeling now, Nostradamus? But wait, there's more. This week I've written to expect:
- Fire on an oil rig in the Gulf
- A solar flare or super nova event
- The passing of a Latin American leader

Maybe I'm channeling predictions now, like the great Jeanne Dixon. God forbid I get anything about an American leader -- I'll likely be accused of meddling in a terrorist plot; I'd be accused of provoking that bland waiting which would be just too ironic.